April 23rd, 2018

The first days and weeks after her death my feelings were just numb or put in the background as I stayed busy with my parents financial affairs and navigating my dad's subsequent  24/7 care at home .It wasn't until February when dad's placement occurred that I was actually able to take a breath and start to reflect on the last few months, the weeks leading up to her death.  At this point, I really had not been able to really process the depth of her permanently out of my life.   First it was just despair without any further thought of her not in my life. Just utter despair that she was dead. Flashes of me trying to put her favorite lipstick on her plastic lips from the viewing. I hated that she did not look herself.   Trying to lower the teased up hair at the funeral home...I forgot to put her earrings on. I forgot the pearl necklace. The dress was crooked.. mind just racing those first few weeks. 

I now think about how much we really took her love for granted..  She always put us first. The first month after she was diagnosed, I slept in her bed with her, trying to stay as close to her as I could. Now her bedroom is as close as I can physically get to her. The scent of her is gone, but I still see remnants of her as I clean:  strands of her hair  all tangled up in her bathtub faucet, radiation stickers stuck on a dresser, hormone patches on stuck on the tub.. .
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After work, I went to Dillard's to bra shop... So many memories of going to Dillard's with mom.  It was another breakdown, poor sales lady. This new reality without mom IN it finally hit .